


For Angels to Fly, or Angels to Die

by malumspineapple



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Depression, Fluff, Hallucinations, M/M, Panic Attacks, Schizophrenia, Self-Harm, Slow Build, Suicidal Thoughts, Violence, i think, just a little bit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-09
Updated: 2015-08-09
Packaged: 2018-04-13 19:41:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,027
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4534848
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/malumspineapple/pseuds/malumspineapple
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em> Luke began having trouble sleeping, always being woken up by strange sounds that he couldn’t quite pinpoint where they were coming from. Sometimes he was too scared to sleep, hearing someone’s voice or a sound that seemed to be coming from somewhere so close to him but he couldn’t find out where.</em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>  <em>Luke was beginning to feel like he was fighting against the crashing ocean waves, struggling to stay afloat, and even Michael couldn't save him from being swallowed by the depths of his mind. </em></p><p> </p><p>Or where Luke has schizophrenia and all he wants is to be free from his demons. Michael just wants him to be okay again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	For Angels to Fly, or Angels to Die

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so some stuff you should know before reading:
> 
> So I guess for some reason Luke doesn't have any siblings or parents other than Liz in this. That's just how it turned out I guess.
> 
> This story is all about schizophrenia which I have no personal experience with, I based this all off of research so sorry if I didn't get something right. 
> 
> There's stuff in here that could be triggering to some people so yeah be aware.
> 
> And I think that's it so enjoy, I'd love feedback so if you'd like to, leave a comment!  
> (Title comes from The A-team by Ed Sheeran)

Luke had always seemed like your normal, average kid.

He played around, did well in school, and had three good friends: Michael, Calum, and Ashton. He was a bit shy when he was little but eventually grew out of it, especially after meeting his three best friends.

The four boys had met on their very first day of school and stuck together ever since then, always there for each other. Luke likes to think back to that day sometimes, he likes to remember how he was so nervous and scared but then this little boy named Michael came up to him and asked him if he wanted to play. Michael had gently taken his hand and led him over to the building blocks in the corner of the classroom, smiling happily all the while. He remembers how once Michael had dragged him over, there were already two other boys playing there and they invited him and his new friend to play with them. Luke remembers how although he stayed quiet and shy, Michael seemed to know what Luke wanted, so he accepted and sat down next to Luke and the two boys as they began building a castle together. The two boys introduced themselves as Calum and Ashton, and Luke remembers how that had to have been the greatest day of his life.

•••

As the four boys grew up, Luke was slowly brought out of his shell, and the boys became the best of friends, almost like brothers. Luke loved them all so much, but he and Michael seemed to get along the best. Somehow Michael could always sense when Luke was sad or something was wrong, and he always knew how to fix it.

Sometimes Luke got picked on at school because he was small and vulnerable and some of the older boys thought he was an easy target. He would go find Michael whenever this happened, knowing that only he had the ability to cheer him back up.

Michael would always hug him and talk to him, saying that he was sorry he couldn’t be there to defend him and that after school they could go cuddle at one of their houses and maybe invite Cal and Ash over later and that everything would be okay. He may have been sad for the rest of the day, but Luke knew that when he got home with his best friend, all of his sadness would dissipate, his favorite place being snuggled up right next to Michael, arms wrapped around each other as they left the rest of the world behind them, only focusing on each other and the comfort they were providing for each other.

Later on they’d invite Calum and Ashton over to the house and the boys would sit around and play video games or guitar or just hang out, anything really as long as they were together. Sometimes they sang together, well, more like made Luke sing to them, and they always told him that he was amazing and he could probably make a career out of it, but he never really believed them. That shy, quiet, insecure kid he once was still made its appearance sometimes, but his best friends always reassured him, never wanting him to feel less than perfect. And Luke was so thankful for that.

 

 

It was just before his fourteenth birthday when things started to change.

Luke began having trouble sleeping, always being woken up by strange sounds that he couldn’t quite pinpoint where they were coming from. Sometimes he was too scared to sleep, hearing someone’s voice or a sound that seemed to be coming from somewhere so close to him but he _couldn't find out where_. That was probably the scariest thing for him, the fact that there was absolutely nothing in his room, in his house even, that could make those kinds of sounds and yet he was hearing them every night.

After about two weeks of this, he finally told his mom about it. Liz didn’t think much of it at first, but after looking into his eyes and seeing the _pure terror_ , she decided to consider what he was telling her.

Luke told his best friends the next day, and Michael immediately became concerned. The last thing he wanted was for Luke to feel uncomfortable or scared in a place that’s supposed to be a safe haven. Luke didn’t tell them every detail of what he’d been hearing, not wanting to alarm the boys and definitely not wanting to find out that there was actually something _wrong_ with him.

 

 

Soon enough, those sounds turned into flashing images of strange creatures and terrifying demons of his mind, and Luke was absolutely petrified. What was even worse was that these sounds and creatures not only showed up at night and in his dreams, but they occasionally made their appearance during the day.

He’d begun to hear actual coherent voices telling him terrible things. They told him ways that his friends were going to die, his family members, and even himself. It was in his inescapable nightmares that those voices became concrete; creatures and monsters that looked _so real_ that Luke was having a hard time believing that they weren’t just his imagination. It was just how utterly _vivid_ and _realistic_ everything was; if it looked so real then it must be, right?

The first time he saw one of those monsters during the day was when he was home alone in his room.

He’d just gotten home from school and he immediately went upstairs to do the shit ton of homework his teachers assigned. As he was writing down the answer to one of his algebra questions, he saw something move out of the corner of his eye.

He felt the hair stand up on the back of his neck as he felt someone’s presence behind him on the other side of the room, wondering to himself, _is this real? Is this really happening?_ He turned around slowly, bracing himself for whatever he might see, and standing there was a man he’d only ever seen in his dreams.

Something about the man looked off, though. This man’s age seemed to be unidentifiable, he looked too skinny and way too tall; and his wide, round, black eyes seemed too sunken into his face. His mouth was simply an unreadable straight line, showing almost no emotion.

All the man did was stand there, staring, but Luke could feel extremely high levels of anxiety bubbling up in his stomach. He made the realization that this _had_ to be real. There was _no way_ that this man could affect him so much, make him feel such strong emotions, and _not_ be real.

The sound of the front door opening and closing and his mother coming back home from work startled Luke and made him jump, causing him to lose eye contact with the man.

When he looked up though, shaking and breathing slightly labored, he saw that instead of the straight face the man had before, his mouth was shaped into a large smile, way too big for his face and too terrifying for it to be friendly. The man lifted one finger to his lips, and Luke knew what he meant: don’t tell anyone.

Then suddenly the man was no longer standing there on the other side of the bed, and not even ten seconds passed before Luke was crying, _sobbing_ , as the image of the man couldn't seemed to leave his head. Even though the man wasn’t right in front of him, Luke was seeing him everywhere in his mind as he squeezed his eyes shut, his hands moving to his hair and pulling as hard as he could because he just wanted the man to _leave_.

And he must have been pretty loud because he felt someone touching and trying to hug him but he flinched away before he could process that _wait, this was his mom_ and the man was _gone_ and he needs to _calm down_ and think of something to tell his mom because he _can’t_ tell her what really happened. The man said so.

Liz was basically freaking out and Luke could sense this, no matter how hard she tried to look calm and in control. He knew he was scaring her because he never cried this hard and this was so unusual and strange and he didn’t want his mom to be scared because _nothing was wrong with him_.

He tried to pull himself together the best he could, trying his hardest to _keep breathing_ and focus instead on the tight embrace he’d been pulled into.

So when he calmed down enough to talk, he made up some bullshit excuse about how school was stressing him out and he just had a really bad day and he just kind of broke down. He didn’t know if Liz actually bought that but he wasn’t too worried, all he knew was that he _must not tell_.

 

 

It happened again only a few days before his fifteenth birthday.

Luke had invited Michael, Calum, and Ashton for a sleepover at his house, almost like a “birthday get-together” as Liz had said; but Luke thought that sounded too girly and stupid so he didn’t mention his birthday to his friends.

The night was going really well; they were all having a fun time playing video games and doing weird stuff together, when Luke started to go more and more quiet.

It was around midnight and Calum and Ashton were playing Fifa against each other and Michael and Luke were watching, waiting for their turns to play. Well, Michael was anyway.

Luke was staring at the wall to his left, seemingly looking at nothing. What none of the other boys knew however, was that Luke was looking at the Man he’d been seeing a lot of recently, always popping up everywhere he went. Luke didn’t want the boys to see him staring, but he also didn’t want to lose eye contact with the Man, so he just sat there rigidly still, trying not to let his anxiety consume him.

His plans failed, however, when the man smiled again, just the same as a few weeks before, and put his finger to his lips. Instead of vanishing though, he started walking toward the couch, and Luke’s could feel his breathing picking up as he tried his hardest to stay silent and still.

The Man stopped walking when he was about five feet away from him and Luke was beginning to get frustrated with himself because he was just so _terrified_ and he began _shaking_ and he could faintly hear Michael saying his name behind him.

The Man lifted his hand, which was clenched in a fist, so that Luke could see it right in front of him. Luke looked back into the Man's eyes and saw the harsh glare aimed straight at him. He felt his throat start to close up as he looked back at the Man's fist, his anxiety beginning to overwhelm him.

Suddenly the Man's fist opened and Luke jumped back in surprise, breath catching in his throat. He saw the Man's eyes move down to Luke’s body and Luke followed.

Instead of just seeing his plain white T-shirt, he saw huge centipedes, insects, spiders, crawling up and down his body. And he could feel them moving, he could feel his worst fears crawling not only on the outside, but on the inside of his body too.

And it wasn’t until Michael’s horrified face appeared in front of him and the Man vanished that he realized he’d been sobbing, almost screaming, and that his throat was so tight he couldn’t get a proper breath into his lungs. Michael was trying to tell him to _breathe_ , that he just needed to _calm down_ and _breathe_. But Luke didn’t think he was able to do that; although he couldn’t see them, he could still feel the creatures crawling all over him and they wouldn’t _go away_.

Luke’s hands flew up to his hair, grabbing and pulling just like he did a few weeks ago, thinking that if he pulled hard enough, then _maybe_ the Man and the bugs would go away and _leave him alone_.

Luke didn’t realize that he was babbling and mumbling until he felt Michael’s comforting hands on his cheeks, and suddenly Michael’s voice became _louder_ and _clearer_ and he could hear him shushing and telling him to breathe and that he was _okay_. Luke wanted so desperately to believe his best friend, but a part of him just _knew_ that this wasn’t going to be the last encounter he would have with the Man.

Nevertheless, he tried his hardest to calm himself down and eventually it worked; his breathing slowed down and his sobs turned into soft cries and slow tears running down his face. Although he never really stopped shaking, Luke could tell that his friends were relieved that he was back with them again.

Once Luke seemed stable enough, he was pulled into Michael’s warm body and they stayed there for a few minutes, just hugging, and Luke was so thankful his friends didn’t talk to him right away.

Eventually Michael pulled back though and just stared at him, waiting for him to speak first. Luke didn’t know what to say, there were too many thoughts swimming around in his brain to get any coherent sentences out.

He eventually settled on something that probably scared the rest of the boys shitless, saying a simple, _did you see him?_

Michael asked him who he was talking about and Luke became exasperated because _what do you mean who am I talking about, he was right here!_ Confused, Michael just told him that nobody was there, only them, and the Man wasn’t real.

That hit a nerve in Luke and he started speaking a little too fast, wondering _how could he not be real?_ He _had_ to be. He looked _so real_ and he gave him so much anxiety and he even made spiders and bugs crawl all over him and that just wasn’t possible unless the Man and the bugs and the spiders were _actually there_.

Apparently Luke’s thoughts had become words and Michael had to calm him down again because the crying started up again and his throat was getting tight and none of them wanted a repeat of what happened just a few minutes ago.

Luke didn’t even realize he’d said all those things out loud until he looked at his friends’ faces, all three looking scared and confused.

He felt his stomach drop. The Man had _told_ him that couldn’t tell _anyone_ and now the boys knew _everything_ and—

He was brought out of his thoughts again by Michael’s quiet, gentle voice suggesting that they all go to bed because it was “getting late”. Even though the boys normally would go to bed a few hours later at these kinds of sleepovers, none of them protested, knowing that they all could probably use some good sleep, especially Luke.

They all laid down on the floor and covered themselves with the blankets Luke had put out earlier, all of them silent as they got comfortable. Within ten minutes, Cal and Ash had fallen asleep; Luke could hear it in their steady, slow breathing.

Luke was having trouble falling asleep though, until Michael rolled behind him and pulled him into his arms. Luke could hear his friend humming a random tune and he could feel him rubbing shapes into his arm with his fingertips. They stayed in that position the whole night, and just before he fell into a deep sleep, Luke heard his friend saying that they’d have to tell Liz in the morning because there might be something _wrong_ and he didn’t want to see his best friend _suffer_.

The next morning, Liz was told about the last night’s events and Luke didn’t really know how to feel about it. He didn’t like how The boys seemed to be going against him, saying that what he saw wasn’t actually there, but it _was_. It _had_ to be, right?

 

 

After hearing Michael’s report on what happened, Liz started to realize more odd things that her son was doing.

She noticed how Luke became very quiet, sometimes with a look of anxiety or fear in his eyes. She noticed how Luke would sometimes stare off into space, or whip his head quickly in some random direction, almost as if he could hear something or see something appear, even when nothing was there. Sometimes he'd start shaking, eyes transfixed on something only he could see.

Although she didn’t want to, thinking that this could just be some weird teenage phase, she took him to the doctor after she began noticing deep purple bags under his eyes from obvious loss of sleep. She just didn’t want her son to suffer.

After a few doctor’s visits, the diagnosis was final. Luke was schizophrenic.

Liz’s heart broke as the doctor explained exactly what it was and what the disorder was doing to Luke. The doctor told them that he’d have to go through some therapy if he wanted it gone, and they’d probably prescribe some medication to try to get him back to normal and tame the hallucinations, at least for a while. Liz knew that this was what her son needed, and she’d do anything to get him back and out of his suffering.

Luke, on the other hand, was just _angry_.

He’d only heard a little bit about schizophrenia before but he never imagined that somehow _he_ could have that. But he didn’t have that, did he? Because the doctor said that schizophrenic people see things that aren’t really there, right? And those things he saw were there. He _knew_ they were there, they had to be. Who did this guy think he was, telling him that he had some mental disorder, telling him that he’s _crazy_? Luke knew he wasn’t crazy, he knew what he saw was real, he _just knew it_.

Nevertheless, Luke agreed to go through with the therapy and take the meds because he knew his mother wanted him to, and he also wanted that man to leave him alone; he may not have liked how the doctor told him the Man was fake, but he still didn’t really want to see him ever again.

 

 

Luke’s treatment turned out to be pretty tough for him. For the first few months, nothing seemed to be helping, it actually seemed like the treatment was almost hurting him instead.

Even with the support from his mom and his friends, (especially Michael) he still seemed like he was only going downhill. More people and creatures started to show up in his life, each one more terrifying than the last. There was always one consistent thing though that kept showing up again and again.

Although he wasn’t always the center of attention, the Man was always there, always following. And no matter how many times he was told that _they weren’t really there_ and that _he was just imagining them_ , Luke could never truly believe that.

That was probably his biggest problem though, that he didn’t believe them, or even try to believe them. His denial was the only thing holding him back it seemed, but he just didn’t want to accept that he was actually living in a false reality.

Michael seemed to be the most supportive one and the one that really made a difference to Luke. Every time he’d have a nightmare, Michael was always there to hold him, talk to him, and keep him feeling secure. Every time one of his demons appeared out of nowhere, Michael was always there to bring him back and to keep him safe.

Michael didn't always know what to say, but sometimes words weren't needed; his presence was enough.

This had gone on for months until, slowly but surely, the monsters stopped coming, the demons stopped visiting, and finally, the Man stopped following. And Luke couldn’t thank Michael enough.

Over that year, Michael and Luke grew closer and closer, no matter how much Luke pushed Michael away, until something beautiful had grown within them. Just as Luke was struggling to escape the trap of his own mind, Michael was falling into the trap of Luke’s heart.

And so over that year the two started a beautiful, slightly broken relationship, and they stuck by each other throughout the whole ordeal.

Michael seemed to be living in the Hemmings’ house more than his own, because he loved Luke and he never wanted his boyfriend to be alone with only his mind to keep him company.

Sometimes he wondered if Luke was getting annoyed with him constantly being around and monitoring, but it was quite the opposite, actually. Luke loved Michael and he loved how much he cared.

It was around the time that they established their relationship together when the things he heard and saw stopped coming back, and Luke knew he’d be forever grateful for that. Michael was the one who chased away the anxiety and obliterated his stress, and even when the monsters broke through the calm sanctuary they'd created, Michael was always there to bring him back and fight away the demons. And Luke couldn’t thank him enough.

One of the most calming things for Luke during his times of high anxiety was music. He loved to play guitar and he loved to sing, but he also loved listening to his friends do it too.

The four boys always got together at least once a week to hang out, and almost every time they’d play around on their instruments, sing a few songs and have a good time together. One of the first times they all played together after Luke’s diagnosis, Michael had suggested that they actually become a band and _tour_ and _do something_ with their lives. All the boys liked the idea, but they knew that if Luke were to stay how he is, there was no way they’d be able to live their lives like that.

By the time Luke turned sixteen, his schizophrenia was almost completely gone. He no longer saw creatures appearing out of nowhere, and only occasionally did he hear an unusual sound.

Everyone could tell how much better he was getting. His doctor told him that therapy could probably end in the next few weeks and that he wouldn’t have to take his medication anymore.

Everyone could see how the light was returning to his eyes and how he started talking more and becoming social again, almost back to his normal self.

It was around this time too that the boys had began making YouTube videos of themselves singing and playing covers of different songs, gradually gaining a fanbase. All of them were excited because this gave them all the small bit of hope that _their dreams could actually happen_. Especially since Luke was doing so well with the treatment.

The boys played their first gig about a month after Luke finished therapy, partly because they wanted to make sure Luke was totally okay, and also because Liz was very hesitant with the idea, still feeling protective over her son even though the schizophrenia was gone. The doctor had said that there was a chance it could come back, but from the way Luke was recovering, it looked like it would never appear again.

Their first show went very well, there weren’t too many people to show up but the boys had so much fun together all the same.

Even though he’d gotten a lot better, Luke’s anxiety still spiked up a little but Michael was there to hold him and calm him down before they started. He made sure to stay close to Luke towards the beginning of the show, but then stopped as he realized that Luke was having fun and enjoying himself and he didn’t need that constant watchful eye like he’d needed for the past year. Michael still watched anyway, nothing brought him greater joy than to see his boyfriend so happy and excited and energetic. He had seen this side of Luke come out a lot more lately and Michael couldn't be prouder.

Just as their set came to a close, each of them realized that _yes_ , this was what they wanted to do, this was _all_ they wanted to do. They may have been young still, but they knew that playing together on stage was where they belonged.

And so, over the next year the boys started playing at some local venues, each time more and more people showed up. They’d written some music, even made their own EP, and they were well on their way to becoming what they wanted.

Their fanbase was continuously growing bigger and bigger and they were ready to take it to the next level and begin touring all across Australia. Of course Liz was a little reluctant, but she agreed as long as she went with them on their tour. The doctors may have said Luke was better, but she’d rather be safe than sorry.

 

 

The boys began touring around Australia then, continuing to get more popular. They were living the dream.

Eventually, the One Direction boys got a hold of them, asking if they wanted to come on tour with them. Again, Liz was hesitant to let Luke and the boys go ahead, considering Luke was only 16 and she still wasn’t comfortable with him being on his own. Liz decided to accompany the boys on this tour, although she really didn’t need to. The whole tour had gone great, nothing had gone wrong with Luke, and all the boys were enjoying themselves, having the time of their lives.

On the next tour with One Direction, she let Luke and the boys tour by themselves, knowing that going with them was only costing her more money, and she’s not exactly doing anything beneficial to Luke. Again, Luke was fine and happy, and she couldn’t wish for anything more.

And all throughout the tours, Michael and Luke’s love for each other only grew, the two of them becoming practically inseparable. The two had never come out to their fans, but they were so obviously in love and everyone could tell. They went on dates and kissed each other in public, not really caring what other people said about them. They didn't think a public announcement of their relationship was necessary, everyone just accepted it and moved on.

Everything had been going so _perfect_ to Luke, almost _too_ perfect. And maybe he was right.

•••

It was the beginning of August, their own headline tour would be coming to an end in a little bit over a month. The boys were almost halfway through the North American leg of the Rock Out with Your Socks Out Tour and were currently sleeping in some hotel in Chicago.

Luke looked over to the side of the hotel bed he was sharing with his boyfriend, seeing that the clock on the bedside table read 2:30 AM. He turned onto his back then, staring at the ceiling.

They’d arrived at the hotel that night pretty late as they had played their first Chicago show that night. The boys split up as they always did, Michael and Luke in one room and Calum and Ashton in the other. Michael and Luke had immediately showered and went to bed as they were both exhausted from the show earlier. They knew they wouldn’t be able to stay awake long enough to watch TV or a movie, so they just cuddled up together and fell asleep in each other’s arms.

Luke had been sound asleep when he was woken up by someone saying his name and no, it didn’t sound like it came from his dream, although he wouldn’t be surprised if maybe it did.

His dream could only be described as strange and disturbing; he couldn’t really tell what exactly was happening but he seemed to be able to remember random flashes of color and images as he woke up. Something about it bugged him, but he couldn’t really pinpoint what it was.

Luke tried not to think too much about it though, and tried not to worry about the fact that someone said his name, thinking that it must be Michael, sometimes he’ll grumble in his sleep. He left it at that and he went back to sleep.

The next morning came quickly and Luke woke up to his boyfriend kissing the back of his neck lovingly, feeling a little more tired than usual. When questioned about it though, he felt like he _shouldn’t_ tell Michael, like he wasn’t _supposed_ to. He answered with a simple “I don’t know” and Michael didn't question any further, knowing that if something was wrong that Luke would tell him.

They laid in bed for a few minutes, cuddled together and enjoying each other’s presence. They knew they’d have to get up eventually though because they had a few interviews to do and then a show to play later that night. So before he fell back asleep again, Luke pried himself out of Michael’s arms, getting a groan from his boyfriend. He just laughed, telling him that they needed to get up soon anyway. Michael reluctantly agreed and got up to give Luke another kiss before grabbing some clothes to wear for the day.

The boys were at their first radio interview of the day just before lunch. Luke was still a little tired, but a random feeling of nervousness crept its way into his stomach about halfway through the interview. Towards the beginning he was talking, answering questions, and just overall interacting with the whole group.

The station played a song then so they had a few minutes of break before getting back into the interview. During that break though, Luke got this sudden feeling that someone was _watching_ him. He looked around at the boys then because they could get really weird sometimes and just start staring at each other, but they were all preoccupied with their own things, talking to each other and playing around on their phones.

The feeling only got worse as the interview went on and his anxiety that he hadn’t experienced in a while was suddenly making its comeback, not very severe but still present and noticeable.

So Luke didn’t speak for the rest of the interview, he got a few concerned glances from Michael but that was all.

As soon as the interview ended, he shot up and quickly found the nearest bathroom, remembering the words both his mom and Michael told him: _If something doesn’t feel right, leave the area and tell one of us so we can help you_. Luke followed through on the first step, he left the area to go to somewhere more private.

When he got to the bathroom he quickly locked the door and leaned on one of the sinks, taking a moment to calm his anxiety and breathe. He was having a bit of a difficult time doing that though because despite the fact that he moved to a room that was completely void of people, he could still feel someone’s piercing stare.

Trying not to dwell on that thought he took a few more deep breaths before exiting the bathroom to find his boyfriend.

As he left the bathroom, he saw Michael already walking towards him, his eyes soft and questioning. He didn’t even need to say anything for Luke to understand what he wanted. He was about to tell Michael about the feeling he got during the interview but something in his mind told him that he shouldn’t tell, that he wasn’t _supposed_ to tell. And he knew this feeling all too well. So he made up a lie saying that his head hurt and that he was still tired from that morning and Michael didn’t question it.

The rest of the week went on like that, Luke staying quiet with the constant feeling of anxiety, and Michael getting even more concerned everyday.

Ashton and Calum had also caught on, always sending Luke worried glances. Everytime he was asked about it though, Luke would just make up some lie and the boys were beginning to catch on. He didn’t want them to catch on though because he was _fine_. There was absolutely _nothing_ wrong with him and he didn’t want to add on to their stress with his own stupid “problems” that he had at the moment; besides, they’d probably go away soon enough.

 

 

Throughout the next week, sounds and voices had started coming out of nowhere and Luke didn’t know what to do.

At first he thought of telling Michael but then he realized that doing so wouldn’t do any good, Michael would probably tell him that the schizophrenia was coming back but it really _wasn’t_ , right? The voices _had_ to be coming from someone, they were probably just hiding or something.

Michael began asking questions and urging for answers when he noticed Luke whipping his head around all the time, realizing that this was the same behavior his boyfriend had two years ago, and although he didn’t want it to be true, there was still a chance that the disorder could come back.

After endless pestering from Michael, Luke finally gave in and told him about the weird feeling like he was being watched, even when no one was in the room. He downplayed it though, saying that it was no big deal, that he was probably just being weird and paranoid for some reason and that the feeling would pass soon enough. He was probably just stressed out and overworked. Michael so desperately wanted to believe him, but there was still a part of him that told him Luke wasn’t telling the whole truth.

He left it at that though, not wanting to push and pressure Luke, he seemed to be under enough stress already.

 

 

Luke had been hoping that the voices and sounds would go away, or that someone else would notice them too but luck didn’t seem to be on his side.

The voices became clearer, telling him terrible things.

_You know that you’re worthless right? And Michael hates you. So does your mom. Actually, everyone hates you. You know that right?_

And no matter how many times he told the voice to stop, it kept going, making sure he knew that what the voice was telling him was true.

_Michael always says he loves you but he really doesn’t. I know for a fact that he’d rather kill himself than be with—_

“Luke!” He was shot out of his trance by his boyfriend yelling his name at him and when he looked up, Michael’s face was full of concern. He didn’t even notice that he’d been curled into a ball in the corner of the dressing room, his hands pulling at his hair until Michael gently grabbed them and moved him into a proper sitting position.

“What wrong, babe?” He asked softly, not wanting to scare Luke even more, seeing as he was already shaking with fear. “Do you wanna tell me why you were on the floor?”

“I just— He was saying— Voices, I heard— I don’t know— I can’t—”

“Shh babe, calm down, one sentence at a time, okay? You’re alright, take your time.” He said, pulling his boyfriend into a hug and kissing the top of his head.

Luke buried his face into Michael’s shoulder, trying to think of a way to talk about it but all of his thoughts were just mixed up together and he didn’t know how to make a coherent sentence. A part of him told him that he can’t tell Michael and _Michael doesn’t love you_ , but Michael  _must_ love him if he’s doing _this_ , right? But the voice told him that Michael hated him and the voice probably knows more than him because he’s not very smart (at least not according to the voice) so Michael must not like him, but then why is he—

“Hey, hey, Luke, calm down, okay? You're thinking too much, just tell me what’s wrong and I can make it better, alright?” Luke was brought out of his thoughts by Michael’s soft voice and he looked up into his boyfriend’s eyes to see _love_ and _concern_ and he felt safe in his arms.

And then Luke was telling him, saying that there were voices and they weren’t telling him very nice things.

“Baby don’t listen to the voices, you’re beautiful and wonderful and whatever voice you just heard is a _liar_ and I love you _,_ okay? They might not be real to me but I know those terrible voices and things you see are very real to you and I need you to tell me if you see or hear any of these things because I want to _help you_. And don’t be afraid to ask me if I can see or hear something you can. All I want to do is help you, and I don’t want you to get how you were when we were fifteen, alright? I know you don’t like when people say this but I think some of your schizophrenia might be making a comeback. Let me help you through this. Okay?” Luke let out a small sigh, he wanted help but he didn't want anyone treating him differently again.

When he was first diagnosed everyone would treat him like he was made of glass, fragile and breakable. He could only hope the same thing wouldn't happen again.

“Yeah, okay. I’ll try.”

Luke was quiet then, cuddling more into Michael’s neck, inhaling the sweet scent of _security_ and _home_ , trying not to be bothered by the fact that his boyfriend still doesn’t believe that what he hears and sees is real. He kind of understood what Michael was saying, but he’s just so confused as to why he’s _the only one_ who experiences these things.

He doesn’t get long to think about it though because of the other two bandmates barging into the room, telling him and Michael that they have to be ready for the show in five minutes.

The two pulled away and Michael kissed Luke’s forehead, picking him up and setting him on the ground and on his feet, taking his hand to lead the both of them backstage.

 

 

The next two weeks got gradually worse for Luke, his hallucinations coming back again and then his voices taking new forms of disfigured people, haunting not only his dreams but also his time in the daylight.

The only time he knew he was safe from his own mind was when he was in Michael’s arms, and his boyfriend knew that. So Michael made sure that he was always next to Luke, the only exception being onstage and when one of them had to use the bathroom. Luke thought that he probably should feel annoyed that Michael feels the need to constantly babysit him, but he actually really enjoyed it. Michael seemed to have an amazing ability to eliminate his anxiety and keep the demons at bay, at least for the time being.

The boys were in Toronto and they had a show that night, but Luke wasn’t sure how he'd survive it.

Something felt off ever since he’d woken up that morning; he woke up more tired than usual, probably due to the restless sleep he’d had the night before, and something like a migraine had quickly formed after he got up. His anxiety would randomly shoot up during the day and he was jumpy and quiet, and the other boys were really worried, especially Michael.

The boys didn’t have any interviews, so Michael just layed around with Luke the whole day, rubbing soothing shapes into his back and sides, trying to ebb away the anxious feelings. Even though he was looking and feeling pretty bad, they all knew it was too late to cancel the show and Luke didn’t want to cancel that for some _stupid_ reason like a headache and a little anxiety.

The boys were getting ready in their dressing room that night, lights as dim as they could make them and trying their hardest to be absolutely silent. Luke’s headache and anxiety had only gotten worse as the day went on, and he’d been getting quick, random split-second flashes of creatures behind his closed eyelids. He was having conflicting emotions with himself, one part of him wanted to crawl in a hole and forget the world for a little while, but another part of him didn’t want to let anyone down. He wanted to play the show and make everyone happy and proud, show those voices that he’s _not_ as worthless as they say he is, that he’s _strong_.

So the boys spent the last twenty minutes or so in a huge cuddle, all of them trying to get Luke to be as calm as they possibly could before going on stage, but maybe they should’ve known even that wouldn’t have made a difference anyway.

 

The first half of the show went amazingly well considering Luke’s state throughout the whole day, but they all noticed him starting to slip after they played Amnesia.

Michael immediately noticed this and stayed right at Luke’s side as much as he could without making it seem like something was wrong. His efforts failed, though, during their second to last song of the set. Luke had been snapping his head to random sides of the stage and he had this weird, lost look to his eyes and Michael could tell that he was too far gone.

Luke missed his cue to sing because he’d been looking at the ground about fifteen feet to the left of him.

Somehow a six-foot tall tarantula had suddenly appeared, it’s eight eyes huge and expressionless and what seemed to be blood dripping from its fangs. Luke took a few steps back, tripping on something behind him. What he thought at first to be a cord was actually a large, bright, venomous snake, and he could see it coiling and curling up his legs, eyes red and glaring.

Absolutely horrified, he looked out to where the fans were supposed to be and instead of seeing thousands of screaming girls, he saw bloodied, disfigured men and women, some with missing body parts, some with extra, but they were all yelling at him, saying they were going to _get_ him and _kill_ him and _eat_ him.

And then he spotted him.

Right in front of the crowd was the Man. The Man who had haunted Luke relentlessly for a whole year. The one he was told was never coming back. But there he was.

_And then the Man smiled, the same horrifying smile that could only mean one thing. Luke felt them, then. He felt the bugs and the spiders and the centipedes, crawling all through his insides, trying to bite through his flesh and kill him from the inside out._

And Luke let out the most blood-curdling scream anyone in the room had ever heard; and everything stopped. The boys stopped playing, the fans stopped cheering, it was like the whole world had come to a standstill.

Luke was on the ground then, sobbing, screaming, and scratching at every area on his body he could reach, trying to get those bugs _out of his body_ so he could _get away_ from there and be safe. He could feel the snake from earlier, crushing his chest and squeezing the air from his lungs, getting dangerously close to his neck and he couldn’t breathe, he actually _couldn’t breathe_ and he could see the tarantula crawling around and the Man walking closer out of the corner of his eye, and he was _terrified_.

But suddenly he could feel arms around him and he let out a horrified shriek, his first thought being that the Man had gotten him and he was going to _kill_ him but then he heard Michael’s familiar voice trying to tell him something but he couldn’t hear with the crowd _yelling_ so much at him.

“Luke! Luke, look at me. Luke you need to look at me, okay? You need to _breathe_ , _Luke_. Do you understand me? God dammit, Luke you need to _calm down_ and _breathe_.” Michael tried desperately to get him to pay attention but Luke was so far gone, he was thrashing around and screaming and sobbing and, _god_ , he wasn’t even _breathing_ and he didn’t know what to do.

Michael took his wrists in his hands, stopping Luke from clawing himself open and pulled him into his lap so Luke was straddling his body and facing him. This made him finally open his eyes and look up, but all Michael could see was panic and terror.

“Luke, _listen. It’s not real._ I swear to god Luke, it's not real, _I promise._ Whatever you’re seeing, whatever you’re hearing, it’s _not real_. I know you hate it when people tell you that but I can assure you that it’s not real and you need to know that.” Luke looked angry then because of Michael’s words but at least he was focusing more on him. “Now I need you to breathe for me, okay? Copy my breathing, babe."

Michael turned him around then in his lap, so Luke could feel his chest moving up and down and attempt to match his breathing, and then Calum and Ashton appeared in front of Luke, trying to distract him from his hallucinations and pull him back into reality. They had both addressed the crowd, telling them to please be quiet and hold on, that everything would be fine but that would probably be the end of them playing for the night.

Even with his boyfriend's encouraging words, Luke was still gasping and choking on air and he could still feel the tight coils of the snake wrapped around his chest, but as he sat there feeling Michael's chest moving up and down in a slow, smooth rhythm he could feel those coils gradually loosening, especially as Michael took his hands and entwined their fingers together.

“There you go sweetheart, you got it. Keep breathing like that babe, you’re doing _so good_ now. You’re okay Luke, I promise." Michael felt a huge rush of relief when Luke began breathing again, he was finally coming back to them and they could finally bring him somewhere _safe_.

"So I'm gonna pick you up right now and we're gonna go backstage and get all of our stuff and then we're gonna go back to the bus, alright? Keep breathing sweetheart you got it. We’re gonna go back to the bus, and we’re gonna have a huge cuddle, and maybe we’ll even watch a movie. I think we should watch a Disney one, what do you think? I haven’t seen one of those in a long time, I think we should watch one. But you gotta calm down now, okay?” Michael rambled on, knowing that Luke always thought his voice was soothing, he never cared what he was talking about, he just loved hearing Michael's voice.

"O-okay," Luke answered shakily. His breathing had pretty much evened out by then and his sobs had been reduced to steady crying but he was still trembling, and Michael just wanted to wrap him up and hold him and keep him safe in his arms.

"Alright I'm gonna pick you up now, okay?" He asked softly, making sure Luke knew exactly what he was doing so he wouldn't get even more scared.

Luke nodded and his boyfriend was carefully picking him up into his arms, Luke holding on tight because he was still _so scared_ but he felt so much _safer_ in Michael's arms.

He was quickly carried off stage and the two were joined by Calum and Ashton only a minute later.

"Hey Luke, you feeling better now?" Calum asked, keeping his voice soft and quiet, not wanting to startle his best friend. Luke only nodded, trying to send him a small smile but it probably looked more like a grimace than anything. Not only was he still scared shitless, but his headache had also come back full force and he was trying to mask his pain.

Michael hadn't put him down and Luke was so thankful for that, he'd probably start panicking again if he did.

"Hey guys, Cal and I are gonna look outside and make sure no fans are out there on our way to the bus, we'll be right back,"Ashton said quietly. 

"Yeah that sounds good guys, thanks," He really didn't want Luke to go through another round of hallucinations after he just got him to calm down again.

"Thanks," Luke said in a quiet, half-sleeping voice. Crying and panic attacks always tired him out and he wanted nothing more than to stay in Michael's arms and just _sleep_. He wasn't sure how well that was going to go though, Michael couldn't be with him in his dreams, and no one could protect him. He tried not to think about that as the other two came back, saying that there were only a few fans outside and they'd talked to them and told them to be quiet for Luke.

With that the boys headed outside and to the tour bus, the fans being respectful and quiet, looking at the sleeping Luke with fondness and sympathy.

 

He slept the whole way to the hotel but was woken up by the bright lights in the lobby, still in Michael's arms. He winced when he opened his eyes, the lights sending a sharp pain through his head.

For a second Luke was confused, wondering why Michael was carrying him and when did he fall asleep, but then the events of the night came back to him at once and he was gripping tighter onto Michael's shirt. He felt Michael kiss his forehead then and he knew he was safe.

"Do you wanna stand up or do you want me to keep carrying you?" Michael whispered softly, not wanting to startle his boyfriend.

Luke was just about to tell him to keep holding him, but then he realized that even though he wouldn't admit it, Michael's arms were getting tired and Luke could feel them shaking from holding such a large nineteen year old boy for so long. So he just answered with a quiet "I'll stand" and he was set down carefully onto his feet.

Although he didn't feel quite as safe, he felt better when Michael pulled him into a hug as soon as he touched the ground.

"You're okay babe," Michael said as he rested his chin on his boyfriend's head. Even though he was stable for the time being, he wanted to make sure Luke knew that he was there and that he was _safe_.

Staying true to his word, Michael made sure Calum and Ashton stayed in their room and they watched The Lion King, all four of them cuddled together.

After the movie finished, the two said goodnight and went back to their own room, leaving Michael and Luke to themselves.

Even though they were both covered in dry sweat from the concert, they were too tired to shower that night, deciding to just shower in the morning. Besides, Luke was half asleep already and he'd had enough for one day. They had a few days off before they had to head to the next city so they had all the time they needed in the morning.

So the two turned the lights off and climbed into bed, Michael spooning Luke.

"He's back."

They'd been lying there for about ten minutes, Michael thinking that Luke had already fallen asleep so he was a little surprised when he heard his quiet voice.

"Who's back babe?"

Luke didn't answer right away but when he did, Michael's heart sank.

"The Man. The Man I always used to see. Why's he back again Michael? The doctor said he was gone. Mom said I'd never see him again. But then why's he here now?" The pure innocence in his voice was heart shattering, and Michael wanted nothing more than to help and protect him, but he also knew that he couldn't always do that. And that was probably the _worst_ feeling in the world.

Luke turned around and Michael could see that silent tears were falling from his eyes and he just kept wondering why something so awful could happen to someone so _beautiful_.

"I don't know Lukey, if I knew I'd tell you but I just don't know. And I'm sorry you have to go through all this shit." He pulled Luke even closer, bodies practically molded into one.

Michael began leaving kisses all over Luke's face, kissing his eyelids, his cheeks, nose, and finally his lips. "It wasn't just the man either, there were more."

Michael could hear the monotone in his voice, he knew Luke was trying to distance himself from his mind like he used to when he'd talk about his hallucinations. He'd say that the Man always told him he couldn't tell anyone, that if he told then the people he loved would die, and Luke never wanted to risk that. He thought that if he distanced himself enough from his mind and the world, the Man wouldn't know; he wouldn't find out.

"The first thing I saw was a spider. Like a big one. Huge. And it was just sitting there next to me. And then I tried to back up but there was a snake and it started coiling around my legs. And then I looked out into the crowd but it wasn't the fans, they were almost like zombies, they were yelling things at me and they wanted to kill me and eat me they said. And then the Man was there, right in front of them and he smiled at me and then there were bugs crawling on the insides of me and- and, I hate bugs Michael, w-why did he d-do that? I don't know w-why he— oh n-no I'm saying too much— he'll be so a-angr—"

"Shh, babe, you're okay, he doesn't know. He can't hear you here, alright? He's not angry with you, no one is. Calm down Luke, you're fine." He usually wouldn't cut him off when Luke was talking about his hallucinations but Michael wanted to stop the panic attack before it started; besides, Luke had told him enough for the night.

He could sense that Luke was coming out of his detached headspace toward the end of his explanation, he could hear the fear creeping into Luke's voice as he began to realize what he was saying and Michael could feel his whole body start to tremble. He didn't realize Luke was _crying_ until he felt the tears on his shoulder and he knew he needed to do something about it.

"Hey hey hey, look at me babe, look at me," he said, wiping underneath Luke's eyes with the pads of his thumbs. "We're not gonna cry anymore, okay? You're safe, you're fine, you're with me, and _I love you_. Okay?"

Luke sniffled a few times and nodded, he hated crying so much and he was so _tired_ , but he was also so happy the day was over.

And he suddenly felt this overwhelming gratitude wash over him, so thankful he had his band mates who loved him and cared about him even though he knew he could be a burden at times like that.

And just as Michael slipped into unconsciousness, he heard a quiet "I love you" and fell asleep with a fond smile on his face.

 

The next two weeks were challenging, to say the least.

Michael had called Liz first thing the next morning, discussing what happened and what the best thing to do would be. After an hour long conversation, they came to an agreement that Luke could stay on the tour because there was only a few weeks left and Luke never wanted to disappoint the fans or the band or anyone. Liz was setting up appointments though for Luke to see a doctor and a therapist right when he got back home, she didn't want to do anything to prolong his suffering. They also agreed not to tell the public about Luke's schizophrenia, they'd let him do it himself, and they didn't want him going on any kind of social media, the things people were saying and predicting could set him off. Michael tweeted on the 5sos account that Luke would explain when he was ready to, just to decrease the public attention. They also agreed that Luke could never be by himself. He always had to be accompanied by at least one other band member, preferably Michael but any one of them would do.

Michael talked to Luke then, telling him about all the rules and what he'd do when he got home, and Luke was a little annoyed because _he was fine_ , but was also kind of happy that Michael and his mom were doing everything they could to help him _not_ be terrified every second of the day. He didn't voice any of his annoyance or gratefulness, but he agreed to the rules, realizing that Michael was just trying his hardest to make him feel safe.

Throughout the next two weeks, Luke hadn't had any more hallucinations in public, but that didn't stop them from haunting his dreams.

About a week after the disaster on stage, Michael and Luke were sleeping together in their hotel bed, when Luke woke up screaming and yelling and crying from a horrific nightmare he'd just experienced. Michael had immediately woken up from the screaming and was trying his hardest to get Luke to calm down, but it just wasn't happening.

Luke felt his stomach turn uncomfortably and he began heaving then, Michael quickly carrying him to the toilet just in time for Luke to viciously throw up his whole dinner from a few hours earlier. Vomiting like that brought him back into reality a little, he became _too tired_ to scream and _too tired_ to yell, and Luke could actually hear Michael's voice and feel him rubbing his back, trying to comfort him and calm him down.

Luke had eventually confessed what happened later on that night; he said that in his dream he was onstage and looking out at the fans, except they were _angry_ and they were yelling things at him, telling him he was _worthless_ and _unlovable_ and a _waste_ of a person. And then the Man was there again, telling him to look around himself, and as Luke turned he could see each of the boys dying right before his eyes. He turned to Michael last and he saw his boyfriend's eyes bleeding, his skin peeling completely off and the rest of his body beginning to rot out, all the while screaming in agony.

And the worst part was that Luke couldn't move. He tried so hard to run to him, to scream, but it was like he was anchored to the ground and someone had ripped his vocal chords from his throat. And then suddenly Luke was holding a bloodied knife, and stabbing himself in the stomach and chest, his arm moving involuntarily and he could hear the crowd to the left of him yelling _die, die, die,_ and that's when he woke up, the vivid images of _blood_ and _guts_ and his friends being _tortured_ became too much for him.

Michael could hear Luke's distant voice again, but something was different about it that night. It was like he didn't even try to sound like that, like he actually _did_ feel numb, and so far away from the world.

He looked into Luke's eyes and instead of seeing the normal panic and fear, he saw _nothing_. There were tears slowly leaking out of his eyes but they were glassy, staring at Michael but not seeing.

And Michael couldn't decide what was worse.

 

The next week was the last week of the tour and Luke seemed to be at an all time low.

It became an internal struggle for him everyday just to get up and _move_ , because something was holding him back but he just didn't know _what_. The only thing that kept him from staying in bed all day was his fear of himself and being alone.

He knew that whenever he was alone the demons came out, and he wanted to reduce the amount of encounters with them as best as he could.

He sort of moved through the day as if he was on autopilot, he played and sang as well as he always did, but his eyes were still blank, and if you really took a good look at him, you could pick out the little details in his posture and tired eyes and slight frown that showed that no, he wasn't okay.

Even though he looked calm on the surface, a tumultuous storm was continuously raging inside him. Every little noise sounded like it was being amplified ten times and he couldn't seem to focus on the voices of people talking to him. He always seemed to stare at one spot for a long time; he didn't want to move his head or look anywhere else because watching so many things _move_ all around him made him dizzy and nauseous. Many times there would be a strange, unidentifiable creature sitting in front of him and he couldn't just look away because _what if it moves,_ and _what if he can't find it when he turns back?_

Every waking moment he could feel the coils of that snake wrapped tightly around his chest making it so hard to breathe. The only thing that kept him sane anymore was Michael, and even _his_ protection was beginning to wear thin in Luke's brain.

His mind just wouldn't shut up, and all he wanted to do was to crawl in a hole and die there.

 

 

Michael was so relieved when the last show was finished, both for Luke and himself.

Now Luke could get proper help and get better, and Michael could finally take a moment to rest. It wasn't that he hated taking care of his boyfriend or thought he was a burden, not at all; but it was beginning to take its toll on Michael. It made him so worried and tired and all he wanted was for Luke to get better so he could finally take a _break_.

Everyone on the tour could tell that Luke was at his breaking point. If they would've stayed another day, Luke probably would have had a complete mental breakdown, he'd get stuck too far into his head and no one would be able to get him out. None of them were doctors, they didn't know how to help Luke through the disorder because honestly, none of them really understood what was going on in his brain.

Everyone was just happy the tour was done, happy they had time off, and happy that Luke could finally get help.

 

Luke was swept away by his mother as soon as the boys arrived back in Sydney, allowing Michael to tag along. She realized that Luke probably wouldn't do well with being separated from his boyfriend so she did nothing to break them apart.

Looking into his eyes almost made her burst into tears; Liz never wanted to see her son look so distant and disconnected from the world. It was like he didn't even see her, like was looking right through her.

It was about a twenty minute drive from the airport to the Hemmings' house and Liz was keeping a close eye on Luke in the backseat next to Michael. She saw how his hands were clasped together tightly, probably trying to stop the shaking that could be seen all over his body. Every once in a while his head would snap to one side or the other, and sometimes he'd let out small whimpers, obviously trying to hide the fear he was constantly feeling. All the while Michael was holding him, rubbing his back and talking to him quietly, trying to distract Luke from the voices he heard and the things he saw.

Even though he felt terrible for doing it, Michael knew that he couldn't stay with Luke forever and he so badly wanted to see his family after the months of being apart. Before his mom came to pick him up from Luke's house he pulled out a few of his shirts from his suitcase, giving them to Luke and telling him to wear them when Michael wasn't with him, trying to hint at the fact that he had to leave Luke alone so he could see his own family.

Luke started to cry then, eyes terrified as he clung onto Michael, not wanting his boyfriend to leave because then _the monsters would come back_ and he didn't know if he'd be able to _survive_ without Michael there with him.

Michael quieted him with a sweet kiss to his lips, pressing hard to try to distract Luke from his fear and reassure him that he'd be okay without Michael there with him. Luke understood why Michael had to leave and he knew he wouldn't leave forever, he'd probably be back the next morning. But the fear of being alone overpowered that understanding and it was a huge internal struggle to let go and say goodbye.

Karen came by then to pick up Michael and he reluctantly said his goodbye to Luke and left the house.

The most heartbreaking thing wasn't the fact he had to leave, but it was the look on Luke's face, the fear, the panic, and the hurt all displayed through the constant tears running down his cheeks, the worried frown, and the sad, terrified eyes. Just one look and Michael's heart shattered.

 

 

The next week for Luke was a blur of doctors, medication, Michael, and Liz.

Everyday he had to go to therapy and get tests done, the doctors wanting to figure out which medications were working best on his brain. Although he hated the fact that everyone was telling him that _they aren't real_ , he was beginning to accept that yes, he had schizophrenia and all that these people were trying to do was to get rid of the demons and get rid of the voices And make sure Luke wasn't constantly living in fear.

The strange thing about it all was that once he started therapy again, the monsters didn't really appear and the voices had quieted. The only thing he saw was shadows in the corner of his eye and a few weird dreams. He was really hoping this was a sign of his getting better, but in the back of his mind he knew that this was just the quiet before the storm.

And that storm hit about three weeks later when Luke was alone in his room.

The doctors all said that he was doing exceptionally well and the schizophrenia seemed to be going away again; they'd reduced his therapy to just three times a week and he didn't have to take as much medication everyday. It was a miracle, they said.

Luke was happy that he seemed to be getting better, but something was nagging in the back of his mind, making him feel anxious, as if something bad will happen to him.

He was sitting on his bed and watching TV in his room, Liz was out at the grocery store and Michael was having a day out with his parents. After the positive comments from the doctors Liz began to gain more trust and reassurance that Luke didn't need someone with him 24/7. She decided to let him stay home alone for the hour she'd be gone, making sure he knew that if anything went wrong, he needed to call her and she'd be over as quick as she could. The same went for Michael, he always had his phone on him so Luke could call at any time if there was a problem.

It was a commercial break so Luke found himself looking mindlessly around his room, waiting for the show he was watching to come back on. Then he heard someone calling his name.

Thinking it was just Liz coming home early he called out to her, asking what she wanted. He heard his name again except this time it seemed to be coming from his bathroom, and it didn't quite sound like his mom's voice.

He was curious then, so he turned off the TV, grabbed his phone, and slowly walked through the open bathroom door.

Looking around, nothing seemed out of place, except maybe that his pencil sharpener was sitting there on the bathroom counter. But then he remembered how it got there; he had been trying to write a new song he'd been thinking about and he needed to empty out his sharpener into the garbage. He must've forgotten to take it back to his desk.

The longer he stood in the bathroom, the more uneasy he felt and although he felt bad for doing so, he texted Michael how he felt and what he heard. He got a text back almost immediately, Michael saying he'd be over in about ten minutes.

Luke looked up from his phone at his bathroom mirror and what he saw in the reflection almost made him shit his pants.

It was the Man again, he hadn't shown up in weeks and suddenly there he was, sitting on Luke's bed with that same creepy smile. He was wearing all white, but that white was stained with splotches of what seemed to be blood, some of it dribbling down from his mouth. It was a horrifying sight but Luke couldn't seem to be able to look away.

That voice from before called his name again and it was much louder, and this time he could see the source of it.

Suddenly it was like a million people were whispering to Luke, each one saying something different and he could only pick up a few things that were said. He heard millions of insults being thrown at him and even clamping his hands over his ears did nothing to block out the voices.

He could slowly feel himself drifting away from reality and into the hell he'd been trying to escape from and he was trying desperately to bring himself back to earth. Luke closed his eyes tight to try and block out the Man and the whispering but it did nothing, if anything it only made it louder.

So he opened his eyes again and in the mirror he saw himself; eyes wide and terrified with tears streaming from them; his lip bitten between his teeth so hard blood was slowly running down his chin. His hands were still pressed firmly to his ears and he had no intention of moving them.

He moved his eyes to look beside his reflection and somehow they went even wider. The Man was right there behind him, smiling so wide his sharp, jagged teeth were showing, black eyes wide and vacant. Above the voices still whispering he could hear the Man's ragged breath and he could actually _feel_ it on the back of his neck.

_Grab it._

The command from the Man overpowered the rest of the voices, those two words practically being shouted at him.

Almost involuntarily Luke's hand moved to grab the pencil sharpener still sitting on the counter, somehow he knew exactly what the Man meant when he said to "grab it."

Just as he touched it, Luke felt something like a quick electric jolt go through his body and he saw a quick flash of what looked like his boyfriend, but he was on the ground and bleeding, eyes open and vacant.

When his vision came back he noticed the sharpener was clenched tightly in his right hand, his left still over his ear, and the Man was moved to the other side of his body.

And then the tears were streaming faster down his face because the Man was telling him to break it open and take the razor out and Luke kept on getting flashes of everyone he loved dead and it was like his arms had minds of their own because he was doing everything he was told but _he didn't want to, he didn't want to at all._ He could hear himself yelling and screaming but he couldn't tell exactly what he was saying, all he knew was that the man was telling him to _cut, cut, cut_ but _no, he didn't want to._

He was holding the tiny blade at his wrist and all the voices he heard were all telling him the same thing, _cut yourself open, you deserve it, Michael will die unless you slit your wrists;_  one even chanting to _kill yourself._

Everyone was telling him to do it but he kept saying that he _didn't want to_ , that _they're lying_ , but the voices were persistent and he felt his hand slowly move against his will and he felt the blade open up a cut on his wrist, blood beginning to come up on the surface of his skin.

He was about to swipe the blade across his wrist again when he felt someone grab him and wrestle the object from his hand and he was pulled into a tight embrace.

He struggled at first, thinking it was the Man and that he'd grabbed him and was trying to kill him. He shut his eyes so he couldn't look into the Man's face and he was thrashing his arms and legs around.

His thrashing came to a stop though as the whispering suddenly got quieter and he heard a familiar voice, Michael's voice, talking to him and holding him. Only then did he notice just how much he was screaming and how loud he was, he could feel the soreness in his throat, it felt like it was on fire.

The screams turned into loud sobs as he clutched onto Michael for dear life then, confused but so relieved that Michael wasn't dead, that he was here and keeping him safe. Although his sobs were loud, they weren't quite as loud as his screams so he could actually make out some of what Michael was saying.

He heard him saying to calm down and that he was fine and he was safe, but Luke's anxiety and panic seemed to be getting the better of him. He could feel his throat closing up and it felt like his lungs had shrunk to about half the size and he was clawing at Michael, trying to just get a little bit of air into his body.

He felt himself being turned around and he was sitting with his back to Michael's chest, and it was like that time on stage when Luke was having a panic attack and Michael calmed him down and got him to breathe normally again. Thankfully, the same result happened and Luke was finally breathing, his sobs were turned into softer cries, and he was sitting still in his boyfriend's arms.

"There you go babe, you're okay. Keep breathing Luke, you got it, you're fine. I'm here, you're safe, okay? I love you." Michael's rambling always calmed Luke down, even in the worst situations. "Are you ready to stand up now? I gotta help you with your wrist and clean it up ba—"

"I-I didn't want t-to Michael I didn't wa-nt to do i-it. He m-made me do it but I d-didn't want to d-do it. Why'd he m-make me d-do th-at Michael? M-Michael I didn't w-wanna cut my-myself! I didn't w-wan—"

"Shh, shh, I know Luke, I know." Luke's cries were beginning to turn hysterical and Michael wanted him to stay calm so he could get his wrist cleaned up as soon as possible.

"He's gone though, right? He's gone and you're safe with me. Now, we're gonna stand up together and we're gonna get you cleaned up. And then I'll call your mom for you and you can talk to her if you want to, alright? We can go downstairs and cuddle on the couch then and we'll be safe, okay?"

"O-Okay." Michael pulled Luke and himself up from the bathroom floor, gently grabbing Luke's injured and bloody wrist and turning the water on at the sink. The cut had stopped bleeding already and the two could tell after the blood was washed away that it really wasn't that deep at all. Michael carefully cleaned up Luke's chin also, gently rubbing at the dried up blood that had thankfully stopped flowing from his lip.

The two made their way downstairs to the living room and sat on the couch, Michael putting on the first Disney movie he could find.

"Do you want me to call your mom, Luke?" Luke had buried his head into Michael's shoulder and closed his eyes, obviously exhausted from what had just happened, but he nodded anyway because even though Michael was actually still alive and well, he wanted to make sure his mom was okay too.

"I'm gonna talk to her for a little bit first and then you can talk to her, okay?" Michael wanted to make sure Liz knew just a little bit about the situation before talking to Luke; he was pretty sure Luke wouldn't want to talk about what just happened yet.

Luke nodded again and Michael called Liz from his own phone, telling her briefly what had just happened.

Luke was half asleep when Michael tapped lightly on his shoulder, holding the phone for him to take.

"Hello?" Luke said tentatively, his whole body tense and rigid. A part of him still didn't believe his mother was alive.

"Hey there Lukey, how are you feeling?"

The sound of Liz's voice brought him so much relief, Luke began shaking and trembling. He was so happy his mother was safe and okay and he burst into tears then, a mixture of happiness, relief, and a bit of hysteria.

"Luke, honey, what's wrong?" Liz asked quietly.

"N-Nothi-ing— I don't k-know—" He cut himself off then, knowing that if he tried to talk more he'd start sobbing and he didn't want to worry his mom even more.

"Okay, you're okay Luke. I'll be home in just a few minutes, alright? If you want to you can talk to me then. Sound good?"

Luke let out a small hum of approval and hung up, handing the phone back over to Michael.

He snuggled closer into Michael's body, closing his eyes and waiting for Liz to come home. He made sure he didn't fall asleep though, who knew what would happen when he was stuck inside his dreams? All he wanted was to finally be free from the coils and snares of the demons of his mind, but at that moment he lost almost all hope.

The doctors said he was doing amazing but then this happened? How was he supposed to have any hope in himself if every time he thinks he's actually doing okay, he gets hit full force and is knocked right back to square one?

Luke was beginning to feel like he was fighting against the crashing ocean waves, struggling to stay afloat, and even Michael couldn't save him from being swallowed by the depths of his mind.

 

 

Over the next few weeks, Luke had slowly fallen into a deep depression as nothing seemed to be getting better for him.

He went back to therapy every day and the doctors kept making him take more and more medication, and Luke was absolutely miserable.

The boys were supposed to be releasing some more new music at that time but decided to wait until Luke got better. They all knew that once new music was out, they'd have to travel and do promotion and interviews and they knew Luke wouldn't be able to handle all of that in the condition he was in. They told him it was because they cared about him and that he was more important than the music, but Luke couldn't help but feel incredibly guilty and upset with himself.

The therapy and meds weren't really working on Luke and everyone was just hoping the same thing would happen as it did when he was fifteen.

When he was fifteen nothing was helping him for a few months, but it suddenly all kicked in and he was better in no time. Luke didn't think that was going to happen again, though. He felt so much worse than he did when he was fifteen, he felt so much more hopeless and worthless this time around.

He had begun thinking a lot about death, not just other people's, but also his own. The Man had exposed him to all kinds of death, terrible things that Luke never used to want to think about, always afraid of it and afraid of watching his loved ones leave him.

Ever since the incident in his bathroom though, Luke began thinking that maybe it was best he just died, that he'd kill himself to escape the world and avoid watching his loved ones suffer.

He didn't even need the Man's help to begin thinking about death anymore.

Luke had gotten to the point that he was actually planning several ways to end his life, trying to find the most painless and quickest way to do it. Even though his final plan was to die as soon as possible, the thought of actually going through with it was horrifying to Luke.

Sometimes he got too much time alone and his mind would drift too far and he'd get scared of what he was thinking, no longer trusting himself. And why didn't he talk to his therapist about this? He didn't trust her either. She was a nice lady and all, but she seemed too fake; she was too smiley and happy and optimistic, Luke needed someone who knew him better.

About two weeks later, Luke decided to tell Michael. He was getting too scared of himself, feeling like he was on the brink of his own self destruction and he felt like his boyfriend deserved to know at least some of what was going on.

Michael seemed to be noticing his depression and wanted to help, but he never knew how. He had no idea what was going through Luke's brain so he couldn't even begin to think about ways to help.

It was about eleven o'clock at night and the two were cuddled up in Luke's bed and watching some stupid comedy neither were very interested in on the TV. The guilt and anxiety was eating Luke alive and he didn't think he could stand it anymore.

"Michael?" He asked quietly.

"Yeah Luke?"

"Can I, uh, talk to you about something, like, serious?"

Michael shifted their positions so they could see each other's faces while still in each other's arms. He wanted to make sure Luke knew that he was listening and he could say whatever was on his mind. "What is it babe?"

Luke sighed quietly and paused, not exactly knowing where to start. Michael noticed and pulled his boyfriend closer, kissing his forehead.

"Only when you're ready, Luke."

"Okay, so, ever since that day in the bathroom, I-I've been having these... thoughts. A-And they're not very good ones, but I don't know how to stop." His voice was shaking, he thought he could do this without crying but that obviously wasn't going to happen if he kept going.

"What've you been thinking about?" Michael asked softly.

"I just— I've been thinking a lot a-about death. A-And I really don't want to think about th-that but it just n-never leaves m-my mind and I-I don't know what to do." Luke covered his eyes then, tears were falling and he was angry with himself because he was so _weak_ and _stupid_.

"Hey, hey Luke, you're fine. It's okay ba—"

"No, Michael! It's _not_ okay! I'm not _fine_ at all!" Luke fumed. "Don't try to tell me that I'll be okay, you don't even understand what I feel like, you don't know _anything_!"

Michael was startled by the sudden outburst, but he kept his composure, knowing it would only be worse if he yelled back. "Then make me understand, Luke. All I want to do is help you but I need you to tell me these kinds of things if you ever want to get better. _Please_. Just let me in."

"You wanna know, Michael? Okay. I'll tell you. I feel like I'm sinking. Every second of every day I feel like I'm sinking into a deep ocean, fighting against the current. And there are lifeboats surrounding me, but _they can't see me_. No matter how loud I yell and how much I try to get their attention, they can't find me. And I'm trying to stay above water but it just keeps getting harder and harder, and I'm on the verge of giving up and drowning. I don't wanna fight the current anymore. I'm tired. I can't d-do it anymore."

"Luke, I don—"

"I don't wanna live anymore Mikey, d-don't you get it? I'm done, M-Michael. I'm not g-getting better and there's n-no hope left. The o-only reason I ha-haven't done it yet is because I'm so scared and s-stupid and I'm a coward a-and I d-don't want you to be m-mad at me, Michael." Luke wiped away some of his tears, trying to compose himself a little. "I really wish I didn't want to kill myself but I do, and I don't know how t-to stop. I just want it to stop, Mikey, w-why won't it s-stop?" Despite his efforts to stay collected, Luke broke out into loud sobs, falling into Michael's open arms.

Through the angry tears running down his face, Michael saw the pure helplessness in his boyfriend's eyes. He may have seemed angry on the outside, but deep down he was just an innocent, helpless boy, desperate for someone to pull him out of his eternal nightmare. And Michael wanted to be the one to save him.

"Let it out, Luke, it's okay. Cry all you want babe, I got you." Michael had Luke cuddled into his chest as close as possible, rubbing circles into Luke's back and rocking back and forth slowly. Hearing Luke's thoughts and sobs had caused a few tears to leak out of Michael's eyes, he hated that Luke was so sad and he had no idea.

Luke sniffled a few times and turned his head out of Michael's neck. "Sometimes I think you'd all be better off without me." He said it so quietly it was almost inaudible, but Michael heard it. Even though he knew he should probably keep his composure, he couldn't help but be a little angry.

"No, Luke. No. Don't you _ever_ think like that." He pulled Luke away so they could see each other's faces, looking into Luke's tear filled eyes. "I love you so, so much, Luke. I love you, your family loves you, so many people love you. Do you know how many lives you've changed, how many people you've inspired? You've saved so many people's lives, Luke, from just being _you_. I'm pretty sure the world would actually be a lot worse without you. And I may not understand everything going on in your brain, but I do know that you'll be okay. You can get through this and I'll do everything in my power to help you. Okay?"

"But Michael, no, I'm n-not—"

"Yes, Luke you are," Michael interrupted. "You _are_ okay. I know it might not seem like it right now, but I know you'll turn out fine at the end of this. As cliché as it sounds, sometimes things have to get worse before they get better. And you know what? I think you're right at the end of the worst part. I know you've lost hope in yourself but I think you just need to hold on a little longer. I need you to keep trying, okay? If you won't do it for yourself, then at least do it for me. I'm here for you, and I _believe_ in you. Just let me help you. Okay?" Tears were streaming down both of their faces but neither cared about the way they looked. Both boys were just happy to be in each other's arms.

"O-Okay Mikey. I'll t-try." Luke grabbed onto Michael's body tightly, so, so happy he had someone like Michael in his life. He was so in love it was overwhelming, and he was no longer crying scared, angry tears, he was crying tears of joy and love and relief. He felt as if a small weight was being lifted off his chest, like he could breathe just a little better and a little bit deeper.

The two fell asleep like that, cuddled closely together, showing no signs of letting go. That night, Luke dreamt that he was in the deep ocean, struggling against the waves with the life boats surrounding him. But this time, someone saw him. It came closer and closer and suddenly, Luke was met with two strong arms carrying him effortlessly out of the water. He turned around to face his rescuer but all he saw was a brilliant bright light. The light was so intense that he was pulled out of his slumber before he could see who it was.

When he opened his eyes, he was met with the beautiful face of his boyfriend, smiling fondly at him. His eyes were warm, loving, and safe, and Luke couldn't help but smile back. And suddenly he realized, he felt okay. Like he _knew_ he was going to be fine in the end.

 _Maybe_ , he thought, _maybe I wasn't even dreaming at all_.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you guys liked it, feedback is much appreciated!!


End file.
